I sit and I think, quite well, if that's even possible, but it doesn't make anything. And I want to do that.
I write my thoughts down in books, so far I have filled two with mostly theatre orientated ideas. They are all huge in scale and ambition, innovative, avant-garde. The kind of thing that would stay with you for the rest of your life. But they are all ideas in a book.
And I don't get too make plays often. Once a year at best. So how am I to bridge the gap between my thoughts and my world?
It's like a switchboard has been flicked off for the past year. I don't do crazy things, i don't lust after whatever girl is in my line of sight, I don't care about your opinion. The only thing that has exited me, really exited me, for a long long time, has been coming up with an idea, and writing it down in my book. I might be lying in bed, all these threads weaving in and out of my head, and then all of a sudden a few of them will come together. And I'll write it down. It's not much but It's been my drug for a while. And it feels so good when i go 'AH FUCKIN' HA! I'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE!'
I'm always an addict, it the only thing that changes is what I'm addicted to. It could be a drug, or some kind of sexual perversion, or it could be ideas, it could be learning the piano. It could be taking a photo, it could be getting a grade in maths, it could be a friend, it could be apple bobbing, it could be silence. I never stay addicted to something for very long, maybe a week or two at most, so when something gets me high for a while I start getting desperate for it to stay. But then i just get addicted to my desperation, which fades like the rest of them.
But this theatre thing, it's sticking round. And I am starting to trust it, but I don't want to sit and write things down forever, until I have to get a real job and my life is lost. I want to slick back my hair and wear a big long coat like they did in the 20's, or be a Gay Cowboy. Whoops.
-
People relate to each other in the same way. Largely. and they all feel the same thing. I can write something down and Everybody will understand what I'm talking about. And i don't think that's good (I do have an opinion). I think that language is a barrier to communication. And so is logic. They don't allow you to express what you truly feel. that's the problem. Language is shared logic, so that's all you can do with it, share logic.
Two people destroying something together, or three people fucking, or four people sitting in silence, means more to me than talking about how much you love someone, or screaming how good something feels. I would rather that we didn't talk at all, not unless we have to, leave talking for lawyers and accountants. I want to just feel things. New things. And it's not that I want to be alone, I want to feel them with as many people as possible. I want to feel happy with someone.
I want to feel happy with someone.
-
Some photographs that ended up on my panel...
Yes.
No comments:
Post a Comment