STOP! (I need to know how)

I guess I could move friend groups, I'm sure the Thomas-Jonny group would be happy to see me... The Robert-Harrison posse would get used to me... At a stretch I might even be welcomed into the Tiffany-Sarah group, the certainly seen to be the friendly type... And then after a while when everyone has forgotten about me (or I have forgotten about everyone?) I could return with hugs and kisses all round.

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Other people (from my observation) seem to do that kind of thing all the time. When one group gets sick of them they move on to another, and maybe another, and then come back. Like they get bored with their friends. I never get bored with my friends, but I think sometimes they might get sick of me. Maybe I should disappear forever. Maybe not.

But anyhoo, something has to shift. Change. And I feel too much still. I need to stop that. And I get really worried WHEN I MUSTN'T BECAUSE THERE IS NO POINT!!! I don't even know what I'm worried about, just that I am. And I don't want enemies. Or people not being allowed to talk to me, or people not wanting to talk to me.

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You lied. Again. I hate it when you lie to me, you most of all, because I trust you, and I give so much of myself (if not practically at least emotionally) to you, and I have done, and I give you so many second chances and every time you do the same thing and the you have the nerve and self-righteousness to tell me its my fault. Like I've wronged you and you have done nothing to me, when I have given so much to you! I am a different person now than I was when I set out. A miserable one. And don't think for a second that you are innocent because you are guilty most of all. For lying to me for so many months. And then lying after that. And now still lying. And you expect me to just put up with you. I can see why you prefer online relationships to real ones, and its because you don't have to care about your other, think about their feelings or experience their pain when you screw them up. And you can lie to them. I'm just guessing, but I think I'm right. I am prepared to forget, not forgive, I will be your friend forever if you want me to. But don't lie to me, and tell me if you want (or don't want) something, because I am sick of your disrespect, to anyone, let alone me! Right now you make me sick. But I am your friend.

I feel sick. On my birthday. This is the worst birthday I have ever had, I want to make myself happy again. And tempting myself isn't the way to do it. I need something to take my mind off things until I am prepared to face my anguish...

Any ideas?