Childhood Memorabilia

The roofs of Central Christchurch is my special place. There's a bottle at my bedside that I found there, down a hole in the building, one with lots of windows but no real way down. it's more than one hundred years old.

In the weekend I went down a new route, because an alarm has been installed down my usual one, And I found a trapdoor to an old attic that clearly hadn't been used for anything for a very long time. There was an inch of dust on all the floors. And a massive old generator. And an elevator shaft, that without my torch I would have fallen down. It almost killed me, so I pissed down it.

I was beginning to get scared of ghosts, so i was beginning to leave.

On a wooden beam there was a circular gap in the inch thick dust, a precise, fresh one. And in the middle of it was a hairpin.

I don't know if whoever left it there would approve of me taking it, but i did, and I put it on my blazer. Because that kind of thing is really beautiful.

Maybe one day I'll be down there, just leaving, and my light will shine on the hairpin's owner. And I sure hope they are as beautiful as their hairpin. And I sure hope that I am as well.

-

Dash Snow:

A A A A A B

Woul yo di fo m?

I lov yo mor tha tim itsel.

Ar thei cloud abov yo o angel? I loo u an se nobod bu mysel. S I loo aroun m. An i no peopl I se, it animal, horse, dog, deer, an las nigh i sa a se dol. Tha i wha I wan t b. A anima. Somethin tha doesn' questio o philosophis, somethin complet. Rea you ow blo. Rea you ow blo. I d, an I se somethin incomplet. Ou histor is insan, our live ar infeste wit Sata o whateve yo wan t cal i.

Anima don' giv a shi, the woul ea eac othe an no thin an wors o themselve. W excus the fo i t, becaus w se the a stupi, an unknowin.

O a si not, d anima g t hel? I the don' it make the muc mor fortunat tha us. W g t hel.

-

I love to live, and the fragments just make life more exciting! I will do anything and go anywhere and be anything and fuck you Mrs Vellupalai! I am sooo impenatrable. Ask me, I'll do it. I have no limits. That's not true, i want to save face, so if it's embarassing I won't do it. But i want to do it! So... Tell me it's ok and I will do it.

Some people proclaim themselves as unstable, but not me. I am soooo stable, I am a flat line, but a high one, my face stays still but i am a child in a candy store. I dream the most unimaginable things!

Some people call that arrogance. Can you fucking belive that? Arrogant?! I can kill myself, I can censor my thoughts with Jesus, I can shut the fuck up. But I can't say I'm good at anything, I can't like myself.

I like other people too. People are so cool lately, it's as if they are trying to prove my dismissal of them wrong with their layers. They have so many layers, more than a million onions. And they do things I can't, thats cool. Thats groovy. I'm having so much fun. I'm so god damn young.

I COULD BOUNCE OFF THE MMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG walls.

So fuck you Vellupalai, I'm having life.

There is so much WRONG with me.

I'm bouncing off the walls

I'm bouncing off the walls

I'm bouncing off the walls

-

Sally Mann:

Creating Language.

I want to create things. Theatre. Photos. But all I have created in my life is thought.
I sit and I think, quite well, if that's even possible, but it doesn't make anything. And I want to do that.

I write my thoughts down in books, so far I have filled two with mostly theatre orientated ideas. They are all huge in scale and ambition, innovative, avant-garde. The kind of thing that would stay with you for the rest of your life. But they are all ideas in a book.

And I don't get too make plays often. Once a year at best. So how am I to bridge the gap between my thoughts and my world?

It's like a switchboard has been flicked off for the past year. I don't do crazy things, i don't lust after whatever girl is in my line of sight, I don't care about your opinion. The only thing that has exited me, really exited me, for a long long time, has been coming up with an idea, and writing it down in my book. I might be lying in bed, all these threads weaving in and out of my head, and then all of a sudden a few of them will come together. And I'll write it down. It's not much but It's been my drug for a while. And it feels so good when i go 'AH FUCKIN' HA! I'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE!'

I'm always an addict, it the only thing that changes is what I'm addicted to. It could be a drug, or some kind of sexual perversion, or it could be ideas, it could be learning the piano. It could be taking a photo, it could be getting a grade in maths, it could be a friend, it could be apple bobbing, it could be silence. I never stay addicted to something for very long, maybe a week or two at most, so when something gets me high for a while I start getting desperate for it to stay. But then i just get addicted to my desperation, which fades like the rest of them.

But this theatre thing, it's sticking round. And I am starting to trust it, but I don't want to sit and write things down forever, until I have to get a real job and my life is lost. I want to slick back my hair and wear a big long coat like they did in the 20's, or be a Gay Cowboy. Whoops.

-

People relate to each other in the same way. Largely. and they all feel the same thing. I can write something down and Everybody will understand what I'm talking about. And i don't think that's good (I do have an opinion). I think that language is a barrier to communication. And so is logic. They don't allow you to express what you truly feel. that's the problem. Language is shared logic, so that's all you can do with it, share logic.

Two people destroying something together, or three people fucking, or four people sitting in silence, means more to me than talking about how much you love someone, or screaming how good something feels. I would rather that we didn't talk at all, not unless we have to, leave talking for lawyers and accountants. I want to just feel things. New things. And it's not that I want to be alone, I want to feel them with as many people as possible. I want to feel happy with someone.

I want to feel happy with someone.

-

Some photographs that ended up on my panel...


Yes.